Separated, chapter one

This was the day Kyuhyun had been waiting for even more than the ending of the war. Of course the war had been necessary to come to an end before this day could come, but personally he couldn’t have cared less about what the outcome of the war was; all he wanted was his man to be back home after years and years apart from each other.

He had been unable to sleep ever since he had received word Siwon was coming home. He had been restless beyond reason, fussing over the most ridiculous things and running around like he had lost his mind. As if he didn’t have more urgent things to care about. It was still a struggle to find enough food, not to mention all the other supplies one needed in daily life, such as firewood for the long blackout and medicines. And he had his work with the government; the secret messages to decode and encode might not have been a problem anymore, but his skills were still needed. There was always work to do in a country that had just faced the greatest war in history and survived.

But he couldn’t focus on anything, no matter how much his supervisors scolded him. Finally Siwon would come back from the front and return to London, return to their small house, return to him. Kyuhyun didn’t know how he could have possibly survived any longer without the love of his life by his side. Now that the long wait was almost over he found himself exhausted and strained. It might have been only a fortnight, but it felt longer than the years of war they had gone through.

He cleaned the house to the best of his ability. He washed Siwon’s clothes to get rid of the weird smell that had stuck to them when they had been unused for such a long time. He had made sure to look for all the things Siwon loved and appreciated, things that were hard to get because they were rare, expensive, or both. He spent the little money he had on things like fine tobacco to make Siwon feel at home again. He could skip a few meals for the sake of comfort and pleasure of his husband who had served their country for so long.

Siwon’s long duty was probably the reason why he had been recharged so early. The men were still needed in the continent to take care of everything; emptying the concentration camps, rebuilding the country, making sure the Germans were disarmed properly and no riots broke out, making sure the Russians wouldn’t take over the vulnerable countries and spread communism all over destroyed Europe. But Siwon was sent home to take part in rebuilding their fatherland, Great Britain. London had suffered heavy bombing and was now a mere shadow of its former glory. Where used to be wonderful buildings, only ruins laid now. A handy craftsman like Siwon, who was a builder, was desperately needed here and he had been on duty nonstop from the day the war began. It was about time he returned safely.

Kyuhyun couldn’t have cared less who was in charge of the rest of Europe; the communists - or even the Americans- could rule the continent as they pleased if they wanted to, as far as he was concerned. Dividing Germany or the city of Berlin didn’t interest him. He was simply sick of sleeping alone and missing Siwon. He wanted Siwon back and he wanted to continue their lives, carry on like the war hadn’t happened at all.

He wanted to place his head on Siwon’s broad shoulder, to feel his strong arms around him and forget about everything they had suffered over the long war. It was finally over and he would not spare a single thought on it anymore. From now on their love story would continue like it was supposed to; happily ever after.

And today was finally the day Siwon’s ship would arrive to the shore. Today he would sleep in Siwon’s arms. Kyuhyun had gotten a day off from the office to celebrate the occasion; his boss had been more than happy to give him this small reward for being part of the team who managed to break the Enigma code, which had been thought to be impossible. But to their surprise, their brains prove to be smarter than any machine.

He had gotten out of his bed before the dawn, even though the ship wouldn’t arrive to the port before noon. He hadn’t managed to sleep much and he couldn’t lie still. But it was hard to come up with something to do since he had already gotten everything ready. Only Siwon was missing and then everything would be perfect.

Kyuhyun stood on the steps in front of the front door to be greeted by the rays of sun, warming his pale face. The day seemed it would turn out warm and hazy, a fine August day. He sipped his tea slowly to make the mugful last longer; he had so much time to waste he was going crazy. Every minute seemed endless, endless like all the minutes and hours he had spent in a bunker wishing that the bombs falling from the skies wouldn’t take his life.

He had survived then and he would survive now. He smiled gently at the thought of seeing Siwon again; his muscular form, smiling eyes, playfully curled lips, dimples, long legs, broad shoulders and jet-black hair. He closed his eyes to picture it all; he would spot Siwon immediately among the other soldiers, he would then call Siwon’s name and Siwon would turn around to face him, he would run to Siwon and Siwon would grab him, hold him and spin him in the air like they were in a silly, romantic movie. And then Siwon would kiss him and murmur sweet little things to him and he would maybe cry a bit so that Siwon could soothe his pain.

It would be perfect. Nothing could be wrong, nothing could make him miserable as long as he had Siwon. Kyuhyun had been so lonely all this time. He had his workmates, but none of them compared to Siwon. And there was no way he could have been happy when Siwon was in danger, when Siwon could die any moment. He could never be sure Siwon was safe and alive. There was no way to know. They exchanged letters almost daily, but the letters often arrived after weeks they had been sent. Every time an ominous looking envelope arrived or a phone rang his heart would skip a beat; was this the letter or phone call when he’d hear that Siwon had died, disappeared or been caught by the enemy?

But the days of fear were now over and nothing could get in the way of his happiness anymore.

The hours passed slowly for him. Kyuhyun changed his outfit several times; his wardrobe wasn’t huge, but it still offered him all too many choices to choose from. Would he wear his light brown suit that he had gotten made before the war, the suit Siwon liked so much? But it was so old-fashioned now. How about his grey suit he had sown the previous winter? But it was made out of such bad quality fabric. He had ironed all his shirts the previous day, but ended up doing that again just to make sure they weren’t crumpled. He wanted to look his best, he wanted Siwon to be proud when he saw him among the crowd.

In the end he decided to go for his navy blue jacket and black trousers paired with a white shirt casually unbuttoned from the top and black shoes. He curled his locks slightly with a hot iron. His hair had started to lose its natural curls over the years Siwon had been gone. Whether it was due to poor nutrition or just age, Kyuhyun didn’t know, but he knew Siwon loved his wavy hair.

Kyuhyun set out for the port early, making sure his best hat was placed flatteringly on his head to frame his face nicely. He wasn’t going to find peace of mind in their house so he might as well use his time on walking around the city. The sea and the Thames would calm his nerves, or at least he hoped they would.

He couldn’t help wondering how it would feel to have Siwon back. They had been newlywed before the war, they had lived together only for 6 months before Siwon was ordered to enlist. Those days seemed like a distant dream, something he had cherished and thought back to during their separation. But how would it be like now? They hadn’t seen each other for 5 years now and although they had been in active correspondence for all that time, it wasn’t the same as being together for real. It could be quite awkward at first, he knew, but it was nothing they couldn’t overcome.

How would Siwon look now? How had he changed over the years?

And how had he himself changed?

But Kyuhyun had anticipated this moment for so long; it had kept him going when everything else seemed meaningless and he just wanted to give up. The wish to see Siwon coming home had given him courage and made him fight. This moment had given him the strength and perseverance to help break the Enigma code, just to see his husband return home earlier. He couldn’t start having doubts now; he had lived for this day for so long that he feared he might disappear if he let it go.

When he finally got to the harbor, it was already starting to fill up with people; women with anxious looks on their faces, kids sulking in boredom or jumping in excitement, parents holding hands and gazing out to the sea. Kyuhyun joined the crowd, inching his way closer to the water. He wanted to get to Siwon was fast as possible once the ship arrived to the shore.

It was hard to wait for the last hour before the ship could finally be seen in the horizon. The crowd became restless and murmurs could be heard as people pointed at the figure in the distance, asking each other if it was finally the ship they had all been waiting for. Soon, as the green ship sailed closer, they were all convinced it was the one. It was definitely a military ship, not one meant to transport civilians, and no other military ship would come to London that day.

Kyuhyun tiptoed to get a better view. He stared at the ship intently, as if to will it move faster through the waves. He knew his man was there, coming closer to him by each passing second. But the seconds seemed too long, the wait too exhausting. He felt an urge to jump into the water and swim to the ship; his body seemed to know that his soul mate was close and couldn’t resist the attraction between them. He gripped the rail with his both hands, his knuckles turning white.

And slowly, painfully slowly, the ship inched closer. Soon they could see the soldiers standing on the deck, waving at them, and the crowd cheered and waved back. Kyuhyun searched for the familiar face as he waved and jumped up and down like a child; for the first time since the war began he felt a genuine smile tugging at his lips. He couldn’t help but laugh out loud, so happy he was to be alive that day, to be there, to wait for Siwon.

The closer the ship came, the louder the crowd yelled. Some even sang cheerful, patriotic songs to greet the men who had fought for them and won. It was like a stone had been lifted off all their hearts; it had been hard to believe the war was finally over but now, as they saw their soldiers coming home, it dawned on them. It was all over now and they were the winners.

Kyuhyun felt a painful stab in his heart as he couldn’t spot Siwon’s face among the crowd standing on the deck of the ship, not even when the ship was finally in front of him. But perhaps Siwon was on the other side, or getting ready beneath the deck. Or perhaps all the soldiers looked too alike in their grey suits and short haircuts; perhaps it had been too long since he had seen Siwon.

His Siwon was now so close, so close and his heart felt like it would explode from all the emotions going through him. He kept searching for Siwon; the broad shoulders, the way he waved his hand, the perfect smile, youthful and playful glint in his eyes, everything he had memorized and dreamt of. But where was he?

Soon a bridge between the ship and the ground was laid and the soldiers began to run down to get to their families. Cries of joy, relief and disbelief could be heard all around as families and lovers were reunited. Kyuhyun was tall so he had a pretty good view over the crowd, but still he couldn’t see Siwon. It made him panic.

Nearly half of the soldiers had gone passed him before a tall, grim man appeared on the deck and began to walk towards the people lower on the ground. Kyuhyun couldn’t believe his eyes yet his heart was convinced; that man with a serious look on his face, pained eyes and furrowed brows was Siwon.

Saying he was shocked was a severe understatement. But his body took over his mind and guided him through the couples and families closer to the long-awaited man. Step by step the last distance between them was closed and finally Kyuhyun called out, “Siwon! I’m here!”

Siwon turned around rapidly towards the sound of his voice, a sudden look of fear and determination flashing in his eyes before he relaxed visibly. Kyuhyun pushed the last people out of his way and ran to Siwon with open arms, tears in his eyes, before embracing the love of his life.

Siwon returned the hug only a second later, but it was a second too long. That moment of hesitation shouldn’t have been there; Siwon shouldn’t have responded so warily. But Kyuhyun chose to ignore it as Siwon squeezed him tighter and tighter to the point where Kyuhyun was sure his ribs would snap. “Oh Siwon,” he murmured through his tears of happiness. “How I missed you!”

At first Siwon said nothing, just held on to Kyuhyun like he was afraid of letting go, like he could get lost and separated from the younger man if he loosened his bone-shattering grip. But then he muttered, “Please, don’t cry so hard… You’re embarrassing us both.”

And with that being said, he let Kyuhyun go. His arms dropped from Kyuhyun’s waist and he looked away, gazing something in the distance, as if he couldn’t bear watching his partner weep so pathetically. And Kyuhyun knew it was bit silly of him to show his emotions so openly in public, but he couldn’t understand Siwon’s reaction. The Siwon he had sent to war would have hugged him until he stopped crying, he would have whispered sweet nothings to cheer him up, maybe cried a little himself and then told Kyuhyun just how much he had missed him and how much he loved him. But not this Siwon; this Siwon wouldn’t even look at him.

Kyuhyun stared at the man before him, not sure how he felt. Siwon’s voice had had a sharp edge to it he had never heard before; a sort of roughness, a cruel tone used to commanding and ordering others, used to shouting over the rumble of firing, fighter planes and exploding bombs. And now that he could see Siwon from up close, it was evident the years had changed him a lot.

Everything boyish had disappeared from his appearance, leaving behind a man who had gone through hell. His eyes were dark and restless, his mouth set for a grim, serious look. He had become more muscular but he looked emaciated and pale. His skin was marred and rough, his posture authoritative and his aura threatening. It was hard to believe that this man was the same Kyuhyun had married.

But perhaps it was just the uniform and weariness of the long trip that made him look so, Kyuhyun reasoned. Perhaps he was just seeing things and besides, who wouldn’t change over so many years, be there war or not?

So he reached out his hand and grabbed Siwon’s hand. “Let’s go home, I have a meal prepared for you,” Kyuhyun said cheerfully and wiped away the last remnants of tears.

Siwon glanced at him and shook off his hand. “Great,” he said and lifted his rucksack from the ground. Without further ado, he began to walk with such long strides that Kyuhyun could hardly keep up with him.

Kyuhyun did his best to keep a conversation going, chattering and laughing airily like they used to, but Siwon responded with only grunts and impatient huffs. Kyuhyun was a smart man and it did not take long for him to realize that it was for the best to remain silent; Siwon obviously wasn’t in a very talkative mood.

Once they got to their front door Siwon stopped to look at the street and then their small house. Kyuhyun thought he could see a sudden spark of recognition and happiness in Siwon’s dark orbs, but it soon vanished without a trace. Kyuhyun hurried past him to open up the door and let Siwon in.

“Welcome home!” Kyuhyun exclaimed and clasped his hands together, turning to Siwon and attempting to share their first kiss. But Siwon only nodded, once again averting Kyuhyun’s eyes.

The silence that had seemed almost natural outside felt crushing once they stepped into the house. Kyuhyun felt almost like suffocating. He had to force himself to calm down by telling himself that he was just imagining things; Siwon was only tired, that was all. Of course he was tired! Kyuhyun himself felt exhausted and he only worked with his brain, not as a soldier in active duty like Siwon.

“I’ll check how the food is doing in the kitchen. Just leave your boots here and then go and refresh yourself in the bathroom. I washed and ironed all your clothes so they’re waiting for you in your closet,” he told Siwon and caressed his arm lovingly before walking away to the other room.

Once he was sure Siwon couldn’t see him, he leaned on the kitchen table and closed his eyes for a moment. He hadn’t been prepared for this; he had hoped for gentle confessions of love, happy smiles and elation but now there was only this weird atmosphere he couldn’t seem to shake off.

When Siwon finally appeared to the kitchen, Kyuhyun had already set the table and was taking the food from the oven where he had left it before going to meet Siwon. The dinner was going to be very simple but Kyuhyun hoped Siwon wouldn’t mind. Most likely he hadn’t had a proper meal in ages.

“Sit down, the food is ready,” he said to the older man. Siwon obeyed him, walking silently from the doorway to the table. But just now did Kyuhyun realize the other limped; not very much, but Kyuhyun could still notice it.

He hurried to put the dish down and rushed over to Siwon. “What happened to your leg? Are you alright? You never wrote you had been injured!”

Siwon’s reply was hardly anything but an angry growl. He pushed Kyuhyun away from him and sat down to the table. “It’s nothing. Some fellows had their fucking legs cut off from their hip.”

Kyuhyun stared Siwon’s back in shock. “But you never told me this!” he stuttered. “When did it happen? Have you had a doctor look at it? Is it permanent or will it heal?”

Siwon slammed his fist to the table, startling Kyuhyun. “Shut the fuck up! Are we eating or not?”

Kyuhyun didn’t know how to react to Siwon’s behavior or words. He wasn’t sure if there had been a mistake; this man can’t have been his husband, not his Siwon. They had sent him a stranger, not his lover. The war was absurd, crazy things happened and unlikely became ordinary; everything was possible. Everything but this; this can’t have been Siwon.

“Alright, alright,” he murmured under his breath and hurriedly carried the food to the table. Siwon did not wait for him to even sit down before filling up his plate and starting to eat.

And what manners did he have! To Kyuhyun it seemed like he was having dinner with a wild man, straight from the jungles of Africa. Siwon simply shoveled food in his mouth and swallowed almost without chewing. Not once did Siwon look up from his plate as he ate, slurping and wolfing his food down like he hadn’t been fed for weeks.

Kyuhyun stared at him, not able to put anything in his mouth. Siwon’s old clothes didn’t seem to fit him anymore; his shirt was tight from the shoulders, biceps, and around his chest, but loose around his waist. Kyuhyun made a mental note to get Siwon new clothes the next day but first he would have to tame this beast, who was already helping himself for seconds.

“Slow down a little, would you? The food is not going anywhere, you can waste time on chewing and tasting it,” he said as jokingly as he could to soften his scolding.

Siwon glared at him with such anger that Kyuhyun felt shivers of fear run down his spine. “Don’t fucking try to tell me what to do. It’s easy as hell for you to be dandy and polite but I couldn’t afford such luxury in the front. But what would you know, since you’ve been hiding here all this time?”

This man had to be a changeling. He had to. His Siwon never swore and would have never said anything so mean to him. He could feel his tempter boiling; Siwon had no right to speak to him like that.

“You idiots would still be sitting in muddy saps and shooting Germans if we hadn’t been here to break the Enigma code!” he snapped back at the other man. “And we’re not ‘in the front’ now, so behave yourself.”

Siwon stood up abruptly, leaning over the table threateningly and looming over Kyuhyun. “You shouldn’t have said that. My good will is running out fast,” he said through his clenched teeth. “When did you learn to be that disrespectful?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Kyuhyun hissed, refusing to budge or show any signs of fear even though he was trembling on the inside. “You haven’t said a single kind word to me since your arrival!”

“Kind words get you nowhere, that’s what I’ve learnt,” Siwon grunted. “And I won’t listen to your whining. Shut your mouth or else…”

“Or else what? What exactly are you going to do?” Kyuhyun answered mockingly. “Yell a little more?”

Siwon’s face twisted into an expression that Kyuhyun couldn’t have ever imagined; an expression so evil and wicked Kyuhyun had hard time believing he was truly looking at a human being. The next thing he knew was that Siwon flipped the table around, sending all their plates, silver wear and glasses flying through the air and shattering on the floor.

Kyuhyun recoiled, covering his face with his arm for protection. Siwon kicked the table once, sending it towards Kyuhyun, before marching out of the room. Kyuhyun heard him stopping in the hall to grab his jacket and then leave the house. He could see Siwon hurrying down the road toward the center of the city before vanishing around a street corner. And just like that he was gone.

Kyuhyun turned to stare at the mess in the small kitchen. Trembling he kneeled down to pick up the shards and pieces. He felt like he was in a dream, not fully awake; it was impossible to believe this was truly happening to him.

He had imagined their first meal so many times; how they would laugh and talk, how they would cry tears of relief and happiness. Siwon would thank him for the best meal he had eaten in years and he would blush like a schoolgirl. And then Siwon would grab his hand, look into his eyes and pour his heart out. They would cry a little more, before Siwon stood up and led him to their bedroom where they would make love to each other all night.

And now all his dreams were shattered just like their plates.

But he clung on to the one last hope he had; that this would pass as soon as Siwon got habituated back into life as a civilian.

This couldn’t be how their marriage life would be from now on, could it?

That night Kyuhyun went to sleep alone. Siwon did not return home from wherever he had gone to. This hurt Kyuhyun probably the most; Siwon abandoning him like that even though they had been reunited only hours earlier.