Separated, chapter two

Kyuhyun woke early, even though he had slept poorly as he had wept and waited for Siwon past midnight. He had still work to do at the office; he had been promised a permanent position by the government thanks to his achievements during the war. His talent had been recognized and it would be needed even if the war was now over.

He dressed up sluggishly, not really wanting to go. But even if he would have happily skipped his duties when he was a boy, he was now a responsible grown-up. He had realized that a lot of things depended on his work; whether German submarines could sink another ship, whether dozens of soldiers died or lived, whether the bombings could be predicted and the civilians protected from harm. The weight on his shoulders was maybe less now, but he had learnt to value diligence and perseverance. He would not stay in bed just to sulk over Siwon; he’d go to work like he was supposed to. He might not be able to work as efficiently or as hard as usually, but he would do his best.

He made enough breakfast for two and left food for Siwon. He wrote a simple note, “I hope you enjoy this and eat it well. See you later, we have to talk.”

Kyuhyun then left the house and walked to the city center. The busses were always full of people since there weren’t enough busses on the road and the Tube wasn’t working still due to all the damage of the bombings, so even though his route to work took over an hour by foot, it was his only choice. It also calmed his nerves to spend time outside. Listening to the noise around him and watching other people on the streets sidetracked his thoughts from Siwon and everything that happened last night.

At work he was greeted by his co-workers eagerly. “Good morning, Kyuhyun!” a man called Jinki said to him as he passed his desk. “Did Siwon return home alright?”

It was no secret Kyuhyun had received his day off to welcome his husband home.

Kyuhyun felt his shoulders stiffen as he heard the question, but he made an effort to smile as genuinely as possible in that situation. “Yes, he got home safe and sound,” he replied with a light nod before hurrying to his own desk.

“How was it like to see him after spending so much time apart?” a man sitting next to him, Ryeowook, asked. He, like Jinki, was married to a woman and as he had been working in the office like Kyuhyun, hadn’t been forced to spend time away from his wife.

Kyuhyun wanted to snap something less polite to his mate. Ryeowook was timid and always careful with his words not to hurt anyone, so Kyuhyun knew he could upset him easily by showing how inappropriate he thought Ryeowook’s question was.

But instead he smiled again. “Well, there was no space for an awkward silence since I crushed his ribs with my embrace the minute he got out of the ship. And he broke mine”, he laughed. At least that was true. “Then it was comfortable to continue talking. Of course there’s a lot of catching up for us to do, our correspondence couldn’t involve everything that happened to us, but apart from that, it’s almost like he was never gone.”

Now that was a lie.

Ryeowook nodded happily, smiling back at him. “It’s so delighting to hear that! But you two are so deep in love that not something as stupid as a war could come in between. Is he already looking for a job?”

Kyuhyun decided to tell him the truth this time. “I don’t know,” he said. “We didn’t talk about it yet. But I’m sure he won’t sit idle for long.”

Jinki broke in. “He’s a builder, isn’t he?”

Kyuhyun replied with a nod.

“I know someone from the department that leads the reconstruction of the city,” Jinki continued. “I could talk to him and recommend Siwon. Though they don’t need much references these days, they’ll hire anyone they can get as long as you can hold a hammer in your hand.”

Kyuhyun chuckled. “Well, I’ll talk to Siwon about it. Thanks, Jinki.”

Jinki waved it off. “It’s not a big deal. We all do what we can to help each other, don’t we?”

Yes, they did, Kyuhyun thought. But helping each other out like this only meant that someone without the right connections, acquaintances, friends or money would suffer. If someone was employed, someone else was not. If someone got their stomach full, someone else didn’t.

But Kyuhyun had learnt a long ago to ignore that. Life was hard as it was, there was no point to have too strict moral to make it even harder.  

Kyuhyun arrived home early. Normally he would have stayed in the office to work overtime since he had no reason to rush home. There was no one to wait for him there, no one else to cook for but himself, no one to keep him company during the night. It had been easier for him to stay at work as long as he possibly could, then shuffle back home, cook something quick and go straight to bed. But now he left his desk at the same time as the others did; for once he couldn’t get home fast enough.

The long day of work had cleared his thoughts and he was convinced what had happened last night was just a misunderstanding. Siwon had obviously been just tired. It can’t have been easy to come home, either. Siwon was just probably hiding his vulnerable side behind that coldness and impoliteness. He would come round eventually once he got used to the civilian life again.

He would have to give Siwon time. Soon enough they would have romantic walks in the parks, candlelit dinners and long talks about everything and nothing.

When Kyuhyun opened the door the hall, the first thing he saw was Siwon’s boots. It meant Siwon had finally returned home. This made Kyuhyun’s heart skip a beat in elation.

“I’m home, darling,” he called out. A few seconds later he could hear their bedroom door being opened upstairs and soon Siwon came down the stairs with a displeased look on his face.

“About time! Where the hell have you been?” Siwon questioned him immediately. He didn’t close the distance between them but remained a few feet away from Kyuhyun.

Seeing this, Kyuhyun frowned. He stepped forward, wrapped his hands around Siwon’s neck and kissed him on the cheek. He could smell the alcohol on the other’s skin. Siwon had been away drinking, he knew without asking. Just like the day before, it took Siwon a while to react to his gentle gestures. Eventually he hugged Kyuhyun briefly before stepping away from the younger, the grim look settling back on his face.

Kyuhyun’s arms ached from the desire to hold Siwon close.

He cleared his throat. “I was at work as usual,” he answered and walked towards the kitchen. “What would you like to have to eat? Something to cut the edge off from your hangover, maybe?”

“Stop nagging, I drink if I want,” Siwon responded angrily as he followed suit.

Kyuhyun glanced at him over his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to nag, it was an innocent question,” he said.

Siwon looked slightly baffled for a short, fleeting moment. “Oh,” he said quietly. “Um, anything is fine.”

The conversation shouldn’t have been this cautious and the situation shouldn’t have been this close to an explosion, Kyuhyun thought. But he wasn’t sure how to lighten the atmosphere without angering the other.

“Who were you drinking with? The soldiers who came home with you?” he asked instead, intending to keep the discussion going in the hopes of getting over the awkward stage. He began the preparations for a simple soup as he spoke.

Siwon shrugged. “I didn’t know those men,” he said. A silence followed as Kyuhyun tried to figure out something to say next. Siwon surprised him by asking the next question.

“Why are you still working?” he asked. His voice sounded calm but Kyuhyun could sense a hint of threat in it. It seemed like the wrong answer could easily fire Siwon up again.
“They still have lots of work for us,” he responded carefully. “And they pay us well. Besides, I like working there.”

Siwon tapped the table impatiently with his fingertips. “But I’m home now and I’m the one who’s supposed to provide for us,” he said. “So you should quit.”

Kyuhyun frowned at him. “But I don’t want to. I really like my job and we need all the money we can get. I’m really lucky to have that job, you know.”

“Lucky or not, you shouldn’t be at work,” Siwon resisted stubbornly. His brows were knitted together as he stared at Kyuhyun. “Your place is at home now that I’m back.”

Kyuhyun snorted at that statement. “Well, I might have enjoyed playing housewife before the war, but now that role wouldn’t suit me anymore. I’m sorry but you’ll have to give in. We’re both men, it shouldn’t hurt your pride to let me work.”

Siwon’s face darkened with anger. “You do as I tell you to!” he growled threateningly. “I don’t like you working, so you won’t be working. That’s my final word.”

Kyuhyun stared at Siwon, refusing to give in to the man. He had provided for himself all these years and he was proud he had earned a decent living. There was no way he would let Siwon start ordering him around and patronizing him like they weren’t equal to each other. Siwon had been gone for five years and he could not expect to interfere with Kyuhyun’s career like that.

He crossed his arms, leaving the preparations for dinner for a moment. “Your final word doesn’t count very much in this matter,” he said calmly. “If I was a woman and supposed to bear you children and take care of them, I would understand that my place is in the house now that you’re here. But as that is not the case, then why do you expect me to spend my days idly indoors? There’s nothing for me here! I will still cook for you. Don’t worry about that. You’ll be decently fed and clad.”

Siwon gritted his teeth. “We agreed that I would make enough money for both of us!” he yelled. “What do you assume people will think, seeing you continue working like you had no choice? I won’t take that shame on me!”

Kyuhyun shook his head. “It’s not a shame! In case no one told you, even all the women have been working outside their homes during the war! Who do you think ran the factories while the men were gone fighting? Who do you think did all the hard work when there were no men around? Women! There still won’t be enough men for a long while to fulfill all the vacancies, so the women will also continue working. If it’s now appropriate for a woman work in a factory, how come it would bring shame to you to let me work for the government? The world is not the same it was before you went to war, Siwon!”

“I can see that now,” Siwon said bitterly. “But apparently my spouse is not the one I married, either. I won’t tolerate your disobedience and lack of respect, Kyuhyun!”

Siwon’s words made Kyuhyun tear up. He spun around to the sink to hide his tears from the other man. How he hated arguing with Siwon over such ridiculous things! But he wasn’t the insecure boy he had once been and now he would stand his ground even against Siwon.
“I do respect you,” he said quietly. “But you should also respect me.”

“Respect is to be earned,” Siwon said starkly. “I can hardly respect a man who has never done anything more significant and demanding than sitting by a desk and typing with a typewriter.”

“So what should I have done to earn your respect then, if being your husband and another human being doesn’t mean anything?” Kyuhyun whispered, holding back his tears the best he could. He did not dare turn around to face Siwon.

“You should have held a gun in your hands and killed, killed even though it killed you on the inside. You should have killed all those men just because it was your duty and just because you were commanded to a war that made no sense to you or to anyone else. You should have stood in the mud and faced enormous tanks rolling across the fields towards you, knowing you didn’t stand a chance. You should have lugged your injured mate to safety even though you were so tired you forgot even your own name. You should have been ready to kill yourself rather than surrender to the enemy. You should have killed, killed and killed, endlessly, never knowing if you could see another dawn, wishing someone to finally shoot you so you could escape the misery. You should have seen your best friends fall and leave their bodies behind, knowing that shedding tears would be of no use.”

Siwon’s voice was cold and ruthless, but Kyuhyun could hear the pain in his words. Or at the very least he hoped that there was pain in Siwon’s words, otherwise it would have been too hard to bear them.

“So all this time you just bitterly wished that I would have to go through all that as well? Is that what you call love?” he breathed out. “Would you really respect me if I had become an emotionless killing machine like you? Because I’m not sure if I can respect you if you keep acting like this.”

A long silence followed his words. Kyuhyun’s shoulders shook from the effort of smothering his sobs. He gripped the edge of the sink with white knuckles, his breathing uneven and labored.

“I can’t believe that a man not good enough to fight the Germans has the guts to tell me he doesn’t respect me,” Siwon said slowly.

Kyuhyun heard how he stepped closer to him and try as he might, he felt scared. He shouldn’t have reacted to Siwon’s approach like that, but in this situation he wasn’t sure what Siwon might do next. Flipping the dinner table the previous night was proof enough of what Siwon was now capable of when he was angry.

“And I can’t believe I should revere a man who slaughtered his heart along with them,” he hissed. “You’re not the man I waited for so long!”

By now he was shaking from head to toe. His spine felt like a string stretched too far, ready to snap at any given moment. The tension in the room made the silence heavy and thick like a blanket wrapped around them, it distorted every sound each of them made.

“Who the hell did you exactly wait for?” Siwon asked.

Kyuhyun closed his eyes as the first tears started to flow down his cheeks. “I waited for the man whom I loved more than my own life with all my soul,” he breathed out. “The man who would walk with me by the Thames, the man who made me feel special. I waited for the man to whom I could open up my heart and have long conversations with. I waited for a man who loved me for who I am!”

“I can hardly remember ever doing such things,” Siwon replied gravely. This time the pain in his words was evident, which in fact made Kyuhyun feel slightly better. If Siwon was still capable of pain and suffering, not all hope was lost. “And that man doesn’t exist anymore. I’m sorry but you waited for nothing.”

“I still haven’t stopped waiting,” Kyuhyun whispered. “I won’t stop until that man is back here with me because only then I’m happy.”

Siwon took another step towards Kyuhyun. The younger one had a feeling that Siwon was standing right behind him, a towering man looming over him. His skin prickled with fearful anticipation. But instead of a violent blow or a punch, a featherlike touch brushed his shoulder before Siwon dropped his hand.

“I don’t know what being happy means anymore,” Siwon murmured quietly. “I haven’t been happy since I left. Your letters only made me yearn more to return… until my world was consumed by blood, death and exhaustion. For five long years, the only things I felt were hunger, fatigue and desperation… That is not forgotten easily.”

And with that he left the room, disappearing upstairs and slamming the door of their bedroom shut.

Kyuhyun wanted to run after him, open the door and hold the man in his arms to comfort him, tell him that they would get through it. He would have done it had he not broken down in hot sobs of fear and sadness.

Had the war really destroyed Siwon beyond hope of recovery?